RAW Recap for March 18

March 20, 2013

Photo credit: WWE.com

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Welcome to the DIRECTV WWE RAW Recap for Monday March 18! How is the Road to WrestleMania 29 shaping up? Let’s find out!

John Cena vs. Prime Time Pancakes
After a promo informing us that at WrestleMania 29 the Undertaker’s dark side will come to light (word play!), John Cena kicks off the show and heads to the ring to deliver this message: “The Rock’s time is up. Our time is now!” Cena is cut off, however, as the Prime Time Players make their way into the arena with Titus O’Neil inexplicably dressed as a janitor with an afro named Pancake Patterson. Apparently Pancake would like a piece of Cena but because of his advanced age he will let Darren Young do the job. And job he does, as Cena proceeds to destroy him until Pancake pulls him out. We aren’t sure why any of this happened but like George Costanza says, we watch because it’s on TV.

Ryback vs. David Otunga
Ryback opens up with some knife-edge chops, carving “Ryback 4Eva” into Otunga’s neck and chest. Otunga manages a kick to Ryback’s midsection and follows with another to his head. For this Otunga earns a clothesline, two spinebusters, and another even more severe clothesline. The “Feed Me More” chants begin and you can see where this is going. Otunga is hoisted onto Ryback’s shoulders, marched around like a very important sack of potatoes and then slammed into oblivion by the Shell Shock to end the match.

Ryback gets on the mic to talk about WrestleMania 29 where he, Sheamus and Randy Orton will take on The Shield and their oppressive brand of wrestling justice. He then moves on to Mark Henry. When they meet again, it will be FEEDING TIME! Cue the massive Mark Henry as he ambles towards the ring to enter Ryback into his Hall of Pain. But not so fast! General Manager Teddy Long and Vicki Guerrero rush out to stop Henry because they have decided that the two will have their chance to battle, but it won’t be tonight. It will be at WrestleMania 29! This effectively removes Ryback from his 6-man tag match, which he takes exception to despite also wanting to take out Henry.

Fandango vs. Great Khali
Having yet to wrestle a single match despite months of build-up because noone can say his name correctly, Fandango is basically a unicorn at this point. Every week we get a little closer to a correct pronunciation and the likelihood of an actual match, however. But not this week!

Despite actually making it to the ring for the first time, complete with a flaming purple Fandango silhouette above it, Fandango takes issue Khali’s valet Natalya calling him “Fan. Dang. Go-get-him-Khali!” Clearly she butchered it and Fandango WILL NOT COMPETE!

Damien Sandow vs. R-Truth
Silence! Damien Sandow is making his way to ringside! The “Intellectual Savior of the Masses” begins the match by quoting poet Henry David Thoreau to R-Truth; “Rather than love, than money, than fame, give me truth.” He adds that Thoreau must be rolling over in his grave at the appearance of R-Truth as clearly the “R” is for “repugnant!” Burn!

The match gets going when Truth starts to fire up, delivering a hurricanrana to Sandow followed by a stiff kick to the beard. Truth lands his Lie Detector finisher but Sandow decides he has had enough and exits the ring before Truth can get the pin. Sandow is counted out and Truth wins by DQ, to his displeasure.

Cody Rhodes/Bella Twins/Kaitlyn Segment
We’re backstage as “Mustachioed Magnificence” Cody Rhodes gets doted upon by the returning Bella Twins. His previous flirt-buddy Kaitlyn crashes the party to let the Twins know that she is out of contention and that they can have Rhodes’ mustache all to themselves. They throw some
mighty shade her way, but before she leaves Kaitlyn is kind enough to let them know that if they need someone that can shave the Twins’ own mustaches for them, she knows people. We love Kaitlyn.

Undertaker/CM Punk Segment
And here comes the Deadman! CM Punk committed the ultimate disrespect last week when he stole the urn of Taker’s recently-deceased mentor, Paul Bearer, and Taker wants Punk to know that if he does not return it, that he has sealed his fate. Just then, from the ether, a familiar voice emanates from the Titantron; “Oooooh yessssss!” Why that sounds like…Paul Bearer! Oh wait. Nope. It’s just Punk using the sacred, Bearer-filled urn as a puppet to taunt the Undertaker. Classic.

“Paul wants you to know that his death wasn’t just a personal loss, but also a professional loss,” Punks says. “You may be the best in the world at WrestleMania but I’m the best in the world every day of the year.” He goes on to say that unlike the Undertaker, Punk doesn’t “answer to a higher power”. He IS a higher power.

Punk continues down this path Harlem Globetrotter-ing the urn the entire time; Behind the back. Through the legs. Off the bicep. And finally, one mishandled catch later, crashing onto the floor.
“Oops! The top almost came off! No disrespect intended…”

Punk is ice cold and The Undertaker is hotter than the flames of Hell! This is shaping up to be quite a match going into WrestleMania 29!

Team Hell No vs. Primo and Epico
Kane, also a minion of Paul Bearer, is none too happy with the mistreatment of the urn and his unchecked rage results in him bouncing Epico out of the ring immediately. Daniel Bryan is able to talk him down but Primo takes advantage, attacking Bryan from behind.

After some back and forth, Bryan gets pounded into the other teams corner. Kane seethes with rage in his corner while Primo and Epico’s muy caliente manager Rosa does some suggestive salsa moves behind a helpless Daniel Bryan.

Somehow, Bryan manages the strength to power out of his predicament and leaps towards Kane for a hot tag. The Big Red Machine barrels into the ring and cleans house. Primo and Epico are set up for a double choke slam when heeeere comes AJ Lee, former flame of Kane, Daniel Bryan and about half the WWE roster. AJ distracts Kane who almost gets caught by the Primo but No! No! No! Daniel Bryan makes the save, allowing for Kane to catch Epico and deliver a chokeslam straight to hell for the win!

Y2J/Fandango Segment
WWE correspondent Josh Matthews is in the locker room area with Chris Jericho to get his thoughts on tonight’s Triple Threat match for the Intercontinental Championship.
Jericho is happy to remind Matthews that he has held the belt NINE times, more than anyone EEEEEVER!

But, uh oh. Here comes Fandango!

Jericho dislikes being interrupted almost as much as he likes interrupting and let’s Fandango know that he is not welcome by addressing him as “Fandumbo,” “Fandunghole,” “Sweet Dodge Durango,” and Fan-B-I-N-G-O and BINGO WAS HIS NAME O!”

Hearing his name mispronounced so egregiously is like nails on chalkboard and Fanny is out of there once more, but not before Y2J unsuccessfully attempts to purchase movie tickets from him.

Alberto Del Rio vs. Cody Rhodes
Damas y Caballeros, it’s time for ALBERTOOOOOOOOOO DEL RRRRRIIIIIIIIOOOOOO! And also Cody Rhodes. Alberto finds himself on the business end of a modified leg choke maneuver, as the still great Jim Ross would say, and he appears to be in trouble.

The crowd begins to rally behind Del Rio, giving him the fuerza to power out and deliver a big back body drop on Rhodes. This momentum doesn’t last long however as he goes for a corner splash on Rhodes, who dodges just in time as Del Rio forces his shoulder into the steel ring post.

Mustachioed Magnificence capitalizes and begins working on Del Rio’s bum knee that Jack Swagger clipped the week before. Rhodes goes for a superplex but Del Rio manages to counters, which unfortunately results in both men flattened on the mat. Del Rio’s friend and announcer, Ricardo, begins to go mental on the outside.

Both men slowly rise, trading blows until finally Del Rio locks in his Cross Armbreaker submission hold, forcing Rhodes to call it a day and tap out.

While celebrating his hard fought win, Jack Swagger runs in, pounds on Del Rio and tosses Ricardo out of the ring. Del Rio and Swagger’s battle spills out through the ropes and onto the floor. Del Rio manages the upper hand, kicking Swagger in his pronounced jaw and slamming his Head to the barricade.

While Swagger is down Del Rio eyes Zeb Colter and attempts to tread on him. Swagger comes to just in time, and lays Del Rio out on the announce table. With Del Rio out for the count, Swagger turns his attention to poor helpless Ricardo, who quickly finds himself in a particularly painful looking Patriot Lock and breaks his ankle. Welcome to Jack Swagger’s America.

Hall of Fame Announcement
A new Hall of Fame inductee is announced and it is…Booker T! Congrats to the Five time (five time, five time, five time, five time) Champ!

Sheamus/Randy Orton vs. 3MB
The Celtic Warrior is up first against Drew McEntyre, who is promptly ejected from the ring by the big Irishman, who then tags in Orton. McEntyre makes his way back in and is welcomed by flying knees, elbows and drop kicks.

Orton tags Sheamus who from outside the ropes proceeds to play the drums on McEntyre’s chest with his club-like forearms before delivering a flying shoulder block on his way back inside the ring. McEntyre eventually gains a foothold on Sheamus and pushes him into 3MB’s corner as all three members perform a concert…OF PAIN. Sheamus finally manages to bust out and tag Orton who is fired up and hits a DDT on McEntyre. Sheamus recovers and heads back in to deliver Brogue Kicks to all three members before Randy hits the RKO on Heath Slater for the win.

But, as is tradition, The Shield’s music hits and they make their way out of the stands and into the ringside area as they stalk the Celtic Vipers (which is apparently what we are calling Sheamus and Orton now according to Twitter).

But wait! IIIIT’S THE BIIIIIG SHOOOOW heading down to join Sheamus and Orton fend off the Hounds of Justice! The Shield slinks back into the shadows in lieu of a knuckle sandwich from Show, who will now join the six-man tag match Ryback was removed from earlier in the evening.

Dolph Ziggler vs. Kofi Kingston
This match was a clinic of precision holds from Dolph and aerial maneuvers from Kingston until AJ does what she does best and distracts the referee. Dolph’s enforcer Big E. Langston proceeds to plow Kofi right out the air with a big shoulder, allowing Dolph to get a neckbreaker on Kingston and it’s over. Team Hell No materializes from the back to congratulate them on their win…and to challenge both Dolph and Big E. at WrestleMania 29 for the Tag Team titles! Yes! Yes! Yes! Fire and brimstone! For those keeping track, this will be Big E’s first actual match.

Chris Jericho vs. Wade Barrett vs. The Miz for the IC Title
It’s back and forth between all three men, which ends up as a brawl in the corner, which itself leads to the extremely rare Triple Superplex! Like a cartoon ice cream cone, Miz is on top, Barret is in the middle and Jericho is holding down the base until all three men come crashing down into a pile of broken dreams.

After commercial, we return to find that Miz had apparently hit his head on the ring post at some point and is laid out by the announce table. Jericho gains steam on Barrett and hits a splash followed by a bulldog, followed by a “come on, babaaay!” Classic Jericho.

Jericho’s momentum is short-lived however as Miz regains strength and takes him out. Miz then goes after Barrett with a dropkick into a Figure Four leg. Barrett is in trouble until Jericho comes from out of nowhere with a Lionsault to break up the submission. At this point, it’s a series of ddts, kicks to the face, near-submissions, near-falls and God knows what else. It was seriously out of control and awesome. By then end, everybody is hurting. Miz manages a Skull Crushing Finale on Jericho and goes for the pin but Barrett rolls him up from behind and gets the victory to retain the title. Miz and Jericho are incredulous!

Triple H/Brock Lesnar Contract Signing
Time to play the Game! The Game of Contractual Obligation!

Triple H comes to the ring as he does, spitting water everywhere. His colors may be green but he clearly has no problem wasting Mother Earth’s precious lifeblood. Paul Heyman comes out with a detail of security guys, but no Brock Lesnar. Triple H wonders if Brock is afraid but Heyman says no! He is FEARLESS! Heyman IS afraid, however, because he knows Triple H might snap on him at any moment, hence the group of jabronis he brought along. Turns out, Brock has already signed the contract and Paul will only tell Triple H the mystery stipulation after he has himself signed, unless Triple H is worried? NO! Triple H proclaims he will still kick Brock’s ass no matter what occurs!

Will Triple H be blindfolded? No, Brock wants to look into Triple H’s eyes as he gets destroyed. Will Triple H be handcuffed? NO! Brock doesn’t want Triple H to have any excuses for losing. Heyman then suggests that perhaps it would be more fitting if the LOSER got Stephanie? Naturally, Triple H goes nuts.

The security guys are quickly dispatched. An unprotected Heyman gets picked up ponytail first and smashed into the contract-signing table. Heyman screams bloody murder and pleads for Brock to help, but it is not to be. Triple H slaps Paul around, rips off clothes, and only then does he sign the contract, driving the point home by stabbing Heyman in the chest with the pen before dumping him outside the ring.

With the contract signed, Brock emerges with a steel chair, ready to destroy Triple H. But before Brock can reach the ring, Triple H produces his old friend, the sledgehammer. Heyman than smiles before revealing the stipulations that Triple H has just blindly agreed to: No count out. No Disqualification. No stopping the match for any reason as it will be a no holds barred match! And if Triple H loses, he has to leave WWE forever!

Game Over?!

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